


Forever without You

by KaytheJay



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angst, Aziraphale Dies (Good Omens), Character Death, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:39:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26623780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaytheJay/pseuds/KaytheJay
Summary: Aziraphale dies and Crowley must deal with it.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 20





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> This fic comes from the other day when my girlfriend and I were talking and she requested an angst fic where Aziraphale dies and every chapter is a new stage of grief.
> 
> Edit: I have gotten a number of comments on this fic who were upset about the ending or that this fic didn't have any of the "magic" that normally comes with a fic with Aziraphale and Crowley in them, and even though I have this tagged as angst without a happy ending, I am going to reiterate this point. This fic is literally angst for the sake of being angsty. This fic does *not* have a happy ending or anything with it. Aziraphale is gone and he stays gone. That is the simple fact of this fic. If you do not like that sort of content, click away. I'm not going to blame you. Angst is *not* in any form for everyone. Angst that doesn't have a happy ending less so. 
> 
> Aziraphale is dead in this fic and he stays dead because he was destroyed by hellfire. If you don't want to read that content, then move on. I loved writing this fic and I'm not going to take it down or "finish the story."

_ No. No. No. No.  _ **_No._ ** It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. Crowley refused to believe it. He shook his head. Aziraphale wasn’t gone. He  _ couldn’t _ be. 

The two of them had been around for around six thousand years. Aziraphale was smart enough by now to know to avoid any and all fires. There was no way to know if fires were of Earthly origin, or if they had been brought up by Hell, so Azirpahale just opted to avoid them all. Aziraphale  _ knew  _ better than to walk into a burning building. 

But that hadn’t stopped him. They’d been on one of their usual walks when they came across a fire. Crowley had tried to push Azirpahale along. There was nothing they could have done to help anyway. The building was destroyed. It almost worked. Until Aziraphale caught sight of a dishiveled woman darting around trying to find her baby. 

“Crowley, we  _ can’t  _ just leave this,” Azirpahale had said. 

“We can and we will,” Crowely said. “Look at that building. There’s nothing there to save. At any moment now, the whole building will collapse.” Aziraphale turned towards the building and closed his eyes, trying to sense the life within it. 

Crowley pushed away the memory. It didn’t happen. He  _ refused  _ to believe that it happened. He kicked at the floor. Aziraphale wasn’t gone. He was simply discorporated. He would be back in a few months. Just wait and see. Paperwork to get a new body was a bitch, he knew that from the only time he’d ever discorporated back in the fourteenth century. He’d vowed to never let it happen again. 

So why had he let it happen to Aziraphale?

No. It was simply foolishness. Azirpahale was his own angel. One of the smartest beings Crowley’d ever come across at that. Aziraphale knew the risk he was taking. He’d decided to take it anyway. But he wasn’t completely  _ gone _ . Just . . .  _ discorporated.  _ That is all. Aziraphale would be back as soon as he finished his paperwork.

Crowley turned towards the plant room. He almost went in, but he didn’t have the heart for it. Instead, he took himself back to his bedroom and pulled the covers over his head. He didn’t want to face the truth. He didn’t want it to be real. It  _ couldn’t  _ be real. That was just how it went. 

Aziraphale was fine, perfectly fine. He was up in Heaven doing his paperwork Crowely sat. That was all there was to that. He was fine. Nothing to worry about. He just hadn’t come home yet. With how hard it was to get a body from Hell, Crowley could only imagine the battle that Aziraphale was facing with his Heavenly superiors. 

_ Yes, that’s it. Convince yourself that this is the truth. This  _ is  _ the truth. Aziraphale is perfectly fine. Nothing to worry about. As soon as Azirpahale was back, he will come find me. He will find me right here because I am not  _ fucking  _ moving until he comes back. Which he will. Because he is fine. Just has some paperwork to fill out about a certain burning building. _

That’s all he could do to keep from absolutely losing his mind. He knew that Azirpahale had to be ok. As ok as he could be after being discorporated. Crowley knew that he wasn’t going to be able to survive on his own if he didn’t have Aziraphale there with him. That was that. Because of that fact, Crowley had to convince himself that Aziraphale was going to be ok. 

_ Because Aziraphale  _ is  _ ok.  _


	2. Anger

Crowley wandered around his flat. It didn’t take him long to find his way into the plant room. He glared at them all. As of late, he had been  _ too  _ kind to them. Aziraphale had made him go soft. Aziraphale had been treating the plants a little too nicly. Crowley wouldn’t be having that any longer. 

He looked around the room without saying anything. The plants didn’t seem worried. They had gotten used to the fact that the angel would be there to protect them if Crowley got too far out of hand. The angel was always on their side. Crowley wouldn’t hurt a single one of them. They were certain of it. 

Unable to find a plant that had any imperfections, Crowley grabbed a random plant off the shelf. He pulled a leaf off of it without saying anything. The plant began shaking in fear. If Crowley wasn’t going to say anything, there was no way the angel was going to know that he was doing anything. He pulled another leaf off of it. 

“I have been far too kind to you, haven’t I?” Crowley said. He slowly picked a string loose from the stem of the plant. “You lot have gotten quite spoiled since Aziraphale started hanging around.” Crowley shook his head. “Not anymore.” Without a warning, he threw the plant on the ground. Dirt and glass spread across the floor. Crowley picked the plant up out of the mess and began pulling the roots off of it. “Why should you lot get to live?” Crowley demanded. He shook his head. “That’s right, don’t answer me.” He twisted the plant and it ripped in half. Crowley threw it back on the floor. 

“You should die in shame,” Crowley said. He looked around the room. “All of you.” He took a step closer to one of the shelves. “None of you get the right to live. You’re not more special than my angel.” He grabbed another pot and slammed it to the ground without even looking at the plant. “You don’t do anyone any good, now do you?” Crowley said. He ran his fingers across the leaves of a plant before plucking those leaves off and throwing that pot on the ground. “Aziraphale died trying to save a baby. A  _ baby _ . You don’t understand. What are you doing with your precious lives that you’re  _ lucky  _ that I’ve let you keep.” Crowley threw another pot to the floor. He kicked at the pile of dirt that had gathered around his feet. 

“Aziraphale is gone, yet all of you still live.” Crowley shook his head. “Not for much longer you don’t.” He reached into a pot and pulled the plant from its pot. He threw it on the ground and smashed it under his foot. “None of you deserve to live. Not after Aziraphale.” 

Crowley made his way around the rest of the room, showering the plants in insults as he went. He pulled almost all of the plants off of his shelf and threw them on the ground.  _ They don’t deserve it. No one deserves it. Aziraphale deserved the world. Now the world deserves nothing.  _ One of the plants turned brown on sight. Crowley crushed its leaves in his fingers. Eventually all but one of the plants were on the ground dying. Crowley tenderly picked the plant up. 

Aziraphale had gotten it for him. It was the last gift he’d gotten from the angel before the  _ incident _ . It was still young. So young. He gently rubbed a leaf between his fingers. He caught sight of a bud that was beginning to develop. It felt like a mockery of Crowley’s pain. He held the plant close to his chest and slowly sank to the floor. 

“It isn’t fair, angel,” Crowley whispered. “It shouldn’t have been you. You should be here right now, scolding me for my behavior.” Crowley shook his head. “If only I wasn’t so stupid. If only I’d been stronger, told you no. Miracled that fire away.  _ Something _ .” 

Crowley put the plant down beside him. He didn’t have the heart to kill the last thing that Aziraphale had gotten him. It was all that Crowley had left of the angel. Just that one stupid little plant. That was it. He shook his head.  _ It’s not fair.  _


	3. Bargaining

Crowley made his way to the bookshop for the first time since the incident. He wanted to get back in touch with the angel in the only way he knew how. The shop was Aziraphale’s space. No one else could touch it, and no one else would touch it ever again. Crowley would make sure of that. 

He was overwhelmed by Aziraphale’s touch that covered every surface in that bookshop. From the dustyness of the entire place to the careful organization (though no one but Aziraphale knew the careful organization) of the books. The place even still smelled like the angel, which Crowley thought was a small miracle considering how long it had been since the angel had last stepped foot into the shop. 

He found a circle of runes on the floor. It must have been Aziraphale’s circle to communicate with Heaven directly. Crowley crouched down and ran his fingers over the runes. No one could appreciate his angel as much as he did. That much he knew for sure. He was even more sure of it with how quickly Heaven had decided to write the angel off. Crowley shook his head. 

“Are you fucking listening you twat?” Crowley yelled at the sky. He knew that She wasn’t listening. Why would She? She had no reason whatsoever to listen to anything he had to say. He was, after all, a demon. He shook his head. 

“I’ll do anything to have him back,” Crowley said. “You can take my life. Take my life and let him live. Just  _ please _ let him live.” Crowley started to trace wings in the dust that was on the floor. “Aziraphale was the best angel that you had. He did everything you asked exactly as you asked him. Right up until the end of the world. He was so absolutely  _ loyal _ to You, and yet You did nothing to deserve that loyalty.” Crowley brushed away his drawing. “But he still gave it. You were his everything you know,” Crowley said. 

Crowley was feeling more vulnerable than he’d ever felt in his entire life. His best friend was gone. He was quite literally on his knees begging for some way for the angel to come back, though he knew it was impossible. 

“I don’t think You understand just how much he meant to me,” Crowley continued. “If this is some punishment for me, that’s just plain cruel. Aziraphale didn’t hurt anyone. He wouldn’t hurt a hair on Satan’s head if given the chance. Find some other way to punish me, Dear Lord. Aziraphale doesn’t deserve to suffer because of my actions. They were my mistakes, not his.” Crowley ran his finger over the runes on the floor. They let off a faint glow, but Crowley didn’t see it. 

“I would go to Hell and never return if it meant Azirapahale could live,” Crowley said. “There’s no reason for the angel to have died. He died doing something  _ good _ . Aren’t You supposed to reward the good? But he’s gone. Dead. Because he tried to save a life.” Crowley shook his head. “I just want more than anything for him to be ok.

“I will give up my spot in Hell. I will stop performing temptations and I will start working against Satan to give Aziraphale his life back. I will give up my flat, my  _ Bentley _ just to see him smile again. You can have the clothes on my back and my throne. Take anything you want from me. None of it means anything without having him here.”

He knew, however, that God wasn’t listening to a single word he said. Not that it mattered if She was. She wasn’t going to help him. She had no reason for that. She had cast him out of Heaven a long time ago. The fact that he had the  _ audacity  _ to try and get help from Her probably was making her laugh. 

This was just another one of her cruel games, but he was the only victim to it. 


	4. Depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning, there is slight suicidal idealization in this chapter, just so you are aware.

Crowley found himself unable to get out of bed. What was the point of anything if his angel wasn’t there with him? There were no more trips to the Ritz. No more mugs of cocoa to make. No more crepe runs. Nothing. 

His life had been completely wrapped around the angel for so long that Crowley didn’t even know how to live without the angel there. They had done everything together since the very start of time. Even when Aziraphale had thought he was being sneaky, Crowley knew that he was there. He’d always just let Aziraphale get off with it though. He knew that if Aziraphale was caught, there would be dire consequences up in Heaven for him. 

But Aziraphale had found his way to Crowley anyway. 

He knew this was all his fault. He didn’t fight the angel enough. He should have fought harder. If he had restrained the angel, he would still be around. If he had gone into the fire himself and tried to save the baby, the angel would still be there. Crowley rolled over and pulled the blanket over his head. 

Nothing mattered anymore. 

If only he hadn’t used all of the holy water that Aziraphale had given him back in the seventies. He would be able to end his pain right there. Being gone would mean that there was no more pain to feel. It would simply be the end of it. He would find out what happened to demons who died. He would finally be with Aziraphale, wherever Aziraphale had ended up. But of course he had used every last drop he’d had. He had no energy to get up and go find a church. 

He could just stay in bed for the rest of eternity. That was exactly what he intended to do. There was nothing outside this bed for him anyway. Not a single person that would miss him if he just stayed here for the rest of eternity. 

It didn’t matter even if there was going to be someone who would miss him. There was only one person that he cared to see at all. And that one person was gone. Gone and there was no bringing him back. 

And it was all Crowley’s fault. 

Crowley put a pillow over his head as if it would silence his thoughts. He didn’t want to think anymore. He didn’t want to be confronted by the fact that everything was his fault. The angel was gone because of him. There was just no way around it. Crowley didn’t do enough to keep Aziraphale out of that fire. If he had, Aziraphale would have stayed out of that fire and would still be around. 

But no. Crowley had watched as the angel disintegrated before his very eyes. He did nothing to stop the angel. Nothing at all. And the angel was the one who had to pay for the mistake. 

Crowley closed his eyes. He wouldn’t have to think about it if he was asleep. And if he was asleep, he could pretend that the angel was still alive. Dream of the angel and never wake up. There was no reason to wake up. If Aziraphale was in his dreams, there was no reason to wake to a world that he was missing from. That was as simple as it got. 


	5. Acceptance

_ He’s gone.  _

That’s all Crowley could think about. 

_ There’s nothing you can do about it.  _

It felt as though there was a knife in his back and sandpaper in his throat. His eyes were swollen from the tears. 

_ He’s never coming back. _

Crowley shook his head. It was horrible to think about. He didn’t like it in the slightest that the angel was gone forever. There would never be another day where Crowley could just pop over to the bookshop because he got lonely. Couldn’t call the angel on the phone. No more surprising him with cakes and crepes and anything else that he might like. 

Aziraphale was gone. He’d burned up in hellfire. That was the end of it. Angels don’t recover from that. They weren’t discorporated from it. It destroyed them completely. Burned their essence away from this world as if they had never existed to begin with. To most of the world, it seemed Aziraphale  _ had  _ never existed. No one mourned his death. No one cared that he was gone. 

Only Crowley kept thinking about him. Crowley was the only thing standing between Aziraphale and keeping his memory alive. No one else knew the angel like Crowley had. No one else had cared enough to learn the angellike Crowley had. 

Crowley sighed as he threw his blankets off of him and got up for the first time in a while. He didn’t even know how long he’d been asleep for, trying to avoid thinking about it. Aziraphale had haunted his nightmares. Crowely was well aware that Aziraphale wouldn’t want him to just sit in bed all the time. Aziraphale wouldn’t want him to give up. Aziraphale would want him to continue on with his life. Move on and get a wiggle on. 

And that started with getting out of bed. 

He knew he would feel so much better after he had a shower. He hadn’t showered since the incident. With how much effort it took, you would have thought he’d been asked to run to the other side of the galaxy. Slowly he did it. He turned the water on. He stared at himself in the mirror. He was a  _ wreck _ . He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. 

“It’s just a shower,” Crowley said. “Just a shower. Then I can go back to bed. Aziraphale would want me to heal.” He nodded before striping his clothes off. “Aziraphale would want me to get through this life and make something of myself without him.” Crowley stepped into the shower. He stood there for a moment just allowing the water to run over him. He grabbed the shampoo bottle. It was a kind of shampoo that he knew Aziraphale had liked. He froze and shook his head. 

_ I’m so sorry. It’s my fault.  _

He held the bottle to his chest and sunk to the floor. 

_ I can’t.  _

Crowley ran his fingers over the bottle. How could he sit here and use something that he knew Aziraphale liked when Aziraphale wasn’t going to be around to enjoy it with him? Aziraphale was gone. Forever. 

_ And how would he feel about you wallowing over  _ shampoo  _ of all things? _

Crowley slowly stood up again. He opened the bottle and squeezed it into his hand. He put the bottle down. He put his hands in his hair and began scrubbing the dirt away. He rinsed the soap out of his hair. 

“It’s just a shower,” Crowely said. “The first step in feeling better about myself.”  _ The first step to healing.  _ He conditioned his hair and ran a bar of soap over his body. He was feeling better  _ physically.  _ It was doing nothing to help his  _ emotional  _ state. But it was something. He was feeling better. 

Crowely turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. He got himself dressed and brushed through his hair. He took a deep breath before opening the bathroom door. 

The shower is all he could handle that day, so he immediately went back to bed. But it was a start. He was starting to feel better. He felt slightly guilty about feeling better, but there wasn’t anything he could do to help those feelings. He got back into bed feeling freshened up and pulled the blankets back over his head. 

_ Aziraphale is gone. Forever. There is nothing you can do about it.  _

“I just have to learn to live forever without you,” Crowley murmured. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hits and kudos mean the world to me. Comments fuel me into next week.  
> Find me on Tumblr @justanangelandhisdemon and @justademonandtheirangel


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